Okay – so you screwed up again!  Then there is the resultant self-flaggelation afterward, a collection of responses from mental masturbation, that hamster wheel of thoughts as we mentally rehearse over and over what could have or should have been because, DAMMIT, it wasn’t our fault (projection), to lethargy to sleeplessness (more rehearsing even as we try to get a break from the barrage of thoughts), to isolating to sniping at our partners (displacement is Freud’s term – you know when the boss yells at us and we go home and kick the dog).  Whew!  I’m exhausted just reading this!  And believe me, it is barely the tip of the iceberg of responses of how we berate ourselves when we feel as though we’ve done something wrong.  No one is perfect – perfect is boring, an illusion.

Native Americans understood the importance of flaws.  In Navajo rugs there is always a flaw built into the design on purpose – This flaw is intentional – the Navajo believe that this flaw allows the spirit, or soul, of the blanket to have the freedom to roam, and for the blanket to never truly end.  In reality, there is no such thing as perfect as we are all changing from each millisecond to the next – our bodies are renewing and aging, expanding and contracting with each moment.  It would be much more true to think that we are perfect in all of our our imperfections.  I can really see the beauty in that.  So the next time you screw up, I mean really pull a big one (that isn’t caught on You Tube or anything), try to create some space for self-forgiveness.  It is sooo much easier and takes a lot less energy to do so.  Ahhhhh.

I am intrigued by the use of touch in our world, even across cultures.  Whenever I am taking a trip abroad, I’m particularly aware of how touch is used. It can convey so much about how at ease folks are, can communicate how connected or disconnected any group is, and often is much more accurate than words in letting someone know how you feel.  In grad school I experimented with using touch in an elementary school setting.  There was one young boy, let’s call him Dan, that I saw in therapy for a few years, raised by his mother as his father was in prison.  Working with Dan was challenging – he would come to sessions each Monday morning at 10 am nervous and agitated, having difficulties in both his studies and interactions with other children in the classroom.  I decided to begin putting my hand on his shoulder as I walked him back to class just to see what would happen, after asking his permission of course.  Instantly, I could feel the tension in his back relax while his whole demeanor changed – it felt as if he stopped struggling just for a little while.  He became brighter, more engaged in our sessions after that – all from a brief 10 second light touch on the back.   I learned a few lessons from this encounter: The importance of taking risks – because touching is a risk – A person can never tell what another’s history is around touch, and how touch can communicate belonging and worth, even a sense of community.  Check out the link here for an article in the NY Times on the power of touch.

So the next time you are feeling out of touch, literally, with others trying reaching out for a little physical contact.

“I’ve always believed that doors are meant to be opened.  That’s why they have hinges and knobs – You put up a barrier and sooner or later somebody is going to walk through it.  It’s human nature to want to know what’s on the other side.”

- Maddux Donner, ABC’s Defying Gravity

I was thinking about doors the other day, the ones we live behind and the ones we construct for ourselves, perhaps a gateway to another step in our growth.  Doors are there for a reason – they protect us from harm, keep us safe yet they can also keep us from taking risks in life, from living a life worth chuckling about in our old age.  I’m also referring to our shadow, that which we defend against and deny, while constructing energetic doors to keep it all safely locked away from anyone lest they find out.  Doors serve us well in this regard, the key is turned, the latch locked.

In thinking about doors, I can’t help but wonder about the existential loneliness that goes along with the locked door.  Is a door more about keeping someone from getting in or about you getting out, or being seen, in all of our stuff?   The choice to hide behind doors can never be about healing, only protection – and protection usually takes us out of relationship.  So, the next time you feel an impulse to “hole up,” to sequester yourself away from others and hide the beautiful person you are behind a door, think again.  Everybody has something going on with them – it is what makes us real.  A spiritual teacher once told me that growth is the path of the courageous – putting your hand on the knob, turning the handle, and taking that first step through an open door is what courage is all about.

DMB

“There is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy.”

- Friedrich Nietzsche

As a Somatic Psychotherapist, I’m usually asked what role the body plays in practicing therapy.  Often, when thinking about sitting with a psychotherapist, most folks visualize someone lying on a couch, talking endlessly about childhood memories with no real awareness of anything happening below the neck.  For me, the body holds a vast amount of experience, data about our world and how we perceive it.  Did you know that as babies we learn tasks in our bodies like crawling or walking up to 9 months before we have a cognitive understanding of it?  Furthermore, our bodies, our skin is the mediator to the world, how we sense and make sense of our place in it.  All of this and much, much more happens in the body.

Don Johnson, a professor in grad school and the founder of the Somatics Department at CIIS, used to scream at the top of his lungs with his slender arms flailing wildly above his head, “WHERE IS THE BODY!”  His lament was really his frustration at how much the bodily experience is denied in the field of psychotherapy, even discounted as valid.   Have you ever had the experience of jumping at a loud noise from a passing car on the street, or even gasped at a particularly gruesome image on TV?  These are unconscious bodily reactions often done just below our level of awareness.  It is just this wisdom that I work with in the room when sitting with a client in therapy.  Incorporating the somatic details of the issue a client comes in with enhances and completes the gestalt, making it whole – and there is a truth in this wholeness.  Organicity is one such principle I use, going with the flow of the session and working with the content a person brings in, in mindfulness, always asking for details of the bodily experience.  Mindfulness is another principle I use, bringing a deeper sense of awareness to client’s bodies, and helping the unconscious emerge.  In my mind, the body IS the way out and through, and integral to any psychotherapy session.

So, the next time you are feeling a tension in your chest or stomach, try opening yourself up to the wisdom of your body because there is a rich story there.  The body is right here.

DMB

This is a place to explore, to discover, and to expand your understanding of the psychotherapeutic process.  In addition, we will be posting articles on The New Family shift for gay people, helping the LGBT Community to understand who we are as fathers, mothers while retaining our evolving gay identity.  Feel free to comment on any article or post  you find on this site and please contact any of us if there are questions.  We are committed to growth, awareness and living an examined life in mindfulness.

Thanks
Dino, Marshall and David